I can live.

I know I can live.

I can change and make a new life.

I can change.

I’m better than I am now.

I’m not my flaws.

I make mistakes, and I know that’s normal.

But I will be more than them.

I will beat my errors.

I will awake.

I will awake.

I will awake.

And I’ll be better than I  think I am.

I will.

P.H.

Oi Aurora

(Felipe Leite/Tiago Albuquerque)

——————————————

Oi Aurora

Pequei mais uma vez

O meu sangue quente diz que amanhã não sei… talvez

Oi Aurora

Aquele manto branco sobre mim me encolheu

Me despertou um canto

Me jogo outra vez

De novo somos três

Eu, você e o diabo dançamos outra vez

Oi Aurora

O que perdi por você

Não há nada neste mundo que me faça ter outra vez

Oi Aurora

Acordaste o que há sob esta superfície espelhada

Me jogo outra vez

De novo somos três

Eu, você e o diabo dançamos outra vez

Run away, but it don’t work

Say you can, but you know you’re worse

You hide this side from all the ones besides

Another morning call

There are you lying in your hall

You isolate yourself from all who loves

And I’m again with you

You call, you call again

Again I’ll be unfaithfully yours

Lie, but it won’t do

You know I’m stuck with you

The cuts don’t hurt now, they’re not real

Sleep, in your dreams

Night, long as day

Is where you hide the scars from far away

And I’m again with you

You call, you call again

Again I’ll be unfaithfully yours

P. H.

The smoking room

The pounding beat

The hollow faces beyond

Another shot

Be, free anxiety

Which character

Which character

Shall I be?

But you’re not here to see

You’re not here with me

When I feel bitter

Here comes the sun

The light warms up

And night dies

Regress to be alone with another lonely one

But you’re not here to see

You’re not here with me

You’re not here with me

You’re not here with me

To see me bitter

P. H.

Existem alguns dias… aqueles dias quando você está só em casa, ouvindo o lado B do álbum “The Genius of Ray Charles”, no qual você começa a pensar sobre seu presente momento. Aí você chega à conclusão: “pensando bem…. esses últimos meses foram todos uma grande mentira”.

Os últimos meses serviram para você perceber na verdade o quão você é vulnerável. O casulo no qual se trancou foi apenas superficial, apenas uma ilusão de ótica criada para tentar se proteger… mas convenhamos, várias atitudes suas demonstraram o quão estilhaçado e danificado você é.

Foram meses de fugas vazias, encontros vazios, ebriedade, toxicidade, bares esfumaçados, nasceres do sol bêbados, pensamentos auto-depreciativos, e por aí vai. De fato, algumas poucas pessoas que poderiam se importar com você foram magoadas no decorrer do último ano, e aí… esqueça, parabéns pra você imbecil.

Claro, algumas boas amizades vieram nesse tempo, mas você ainda se sente só… e provavelmente ainda vai… se sentirá só como aquele piano em Ré menor no fundo do lounge do hotel tocando “Don’t let the sun catch you cryin’”.

Você se fez assim… agora aceite as consequências… você sabe exatamente os passos que lhe tornaram isso, e por ironia do destino, você até almejou isso. Agora o tem…. aceite… é você.

E continue esquecendo as noites… elas não valem a lembrança mesmo.

P. H.

That smokin’ room. The pounding beat. Noisy guitars and bottles going empty.

Everyone there looking for a lie. Trying desperatly to get close to anyone. Seeking for an empty feeling as at least for one night it could do the trick.

Others gave up. Real pleasures are a myth. So they buy one.

It works, for a couple of hours.

It works, a handful of minutes.

It works for a moment.

And then it’s gone. Like everyone else. 

Soon, the night will also be gone. The sun will rise, and the wicked world of laughing masks will fade. 

Some always try to make it longer. Tranforming the day into an extension of the night. And at that point they cross a line that only the peers will ever understand.

Only the damned.

Only the lost.

Only the broken.

P. H.

Colision.

Every night the man in the dark cloak is there.

Watching over me. Waiting for my errors.

Expecting my impulsiveness. Counting on my mistakes.

Since I’m being so reckless, one day he’ll get what he wants.

Night after night, living a death of lies.

One night I’ll fall, maybe tomorrow, maybe now.

But ’til that night, I go on.

Go on with empty relations, empty meetings.

Empty lies and emptying bottles.

Disappearing.

Fading.

Vanishing.

Coliding.

P. H.

Some say it happened long ago

An irish boy lost his soul

He tried to find it in every bottle

But each night he became more hollow

Then one night in a forgotten bar

A creature flew from very far

An angel bright like northern light

Thought the boy was worth a try

“I can point the road you seek

But you’ll walk it with your own feet

And you might just have a chance

To regain your soul and leave this trance”

So the boy got up and said:

“I don’t think you understand

I don’t want a new soul

Just the one that left a hole”

So the angel sat and thought

Aided by a drink that he bought

Though he could not understand

He became more curious of this land

“So boy, this I’ll say

In your land I’d like to stay

In human flesh just like yours

To learn some more about your cause”

So the angel began to breath

And felt the pulse that lied beneath

His skin soon felt the cold

And now he also could get old

So it passed a year and a day

And the time became to turn away

From the human life he began to taste

Which he began a whole lot late

“Though I feel the lonely cold

I also feel the lovely warmth

And I must say your kind is blessed

´Cause there’s one pain that is the best”

“What do you mean?” said the boy

“How could pain be of joy?

How could you want a soul

If it’s so hard to make it whole?”

“So my boy, this I’ll say

You don’t have to look far away

Search deep inside your thoughts

And the memories you forgot”

“The ones that loved and went away

Are the ones that always stay

They leave a scar and mark your heart

In a way that’ll never part”

“What composes you, can’t you see

Are these experiences that could be

Both filled with pain and love

Unexisting in the world above”

“I envy that I’ll never be

Fragmented like how you flee

For that sensation gives the urge

To an evergoing human search”

“Now I leave to Eden land

With joy once felt in my hand

And carry the love I once felt

And urge the pain that can’t be held”

As the angel flew away

The boy began another day

Through a drink a thought he had:

“Love and pain are not all that bad”

Back.

I felt my old world again. The good things. The bad things.

Felt new sensations. Met new people. Laughed with them. Had fun with them. Felt a bit more full.

Saw old memories. Hugged them, kissed them. And now miss them all.

But back. To feel again. Feel carress. Feel lonelyness. Feel loved. Feel wanted. Glad to know that I feel like that in both places. I belong everywhere, nowhere. Just in a corner of the world. In it’s fulfillness.

But still. What I want? Hard to say… 

I will hurt. I will love. I will live.

I’m back.

A frase do título de hoje não é minha. Vem de uma linda música chamada “Elephant Gun”, do Beirut. Eis a música:

No entanto, ela expressa alguns seres humanos muito bem. Gradativamente nos escondemos. Vamos deixando porções cada vez maiores em locais obscuros, em frações nossas no qual não permitimos acesso a ninguém. O que resta a mim, é o lento martírio. Sempre tento fugir disso com explosões de egoísmo, mas no fim reetorno ao mesmo padrão. Elego alguém a qual farei tudo para manter bem, mesmo que isso me corroa. O padrão também acaba se aplicando a pessoas mais ligadas ao meu dia-a-dia. O “não” nunca vem. Minhas necessidades sempre ficam em segundo plano. Mas sei que essa é minha sina. Uma lenta destruição pessoal em prol de fazer algumas pessoas felizes.

Darei resultados.

Serei ouvidos.

Ocultarei sentimentos.

E quando mais precisar de alguém, irei fugir como sei muito bem.

Silêncio… estou aqui… sempre.

Até que um dia, não serei mais necessário. Sobrará apenas a auto-destruição sem sentido. E isso é “Death in Vegas”, uma história que será contada em breve. Aguarde futuros posts.

P. H.